11 Dec Making Your Visits Count during the Holidays

How to bring tidings of comfort and joy when visiting your loved one living with dementia

For families visiting loved ones with dementia over the holidays, the moments together—no matter how brief—can create joyful feelings that linger even when the facts of the visit may not be recalled. At Dementia Together, we hope the following ideas help you invest in moments that truly matter.

Tips for the holidays:

· If your loved one is earlier in the dementia progression and looking forward to your visit, it may be helpful to announce who you are. (example: “Hi Grandma, it’s Anna.” “Hi Dad, it’s your daughter, Sarah.”)

· Approach from the front. (It’s sometimes fine to start speaking before being seen if your voice is likely to be more familiar than your appearance.)

· Catch eye contact if possible so you can sense your loved person’s readiness for a visit.

· Speak clearly, slowly, and naturally with a calm tone and a smile. You are the mirror reflecting either worry or reassurance. Your loved one will absorb the feelings you project (like a sponge ).

· Avoid bad news, contradictions, corrections, or criticism of any kind. Ask yourself before sharing information, “Is this for their comfort or mine?” “For whose benefit am I sharing this information?” Choose only those topics that promote feelings of joy and contentment.

· Direct questions—especially those relying on storage of recent facts—can create anxiety or embarrassment. Even “How are you?” can feel confusing when what just happened moments ago is unknown. Instead, greet with statements like: “It’s so good to see you” or “You’re looking well today.”

· Let your loved one lead the conversation. Talk about one thing at a time and move gently to another topic if interest fades. When your loved one speaks, listen with curiosity and patience, resisting the urge to interrupt or correct.

· If your loved one’s speech is unclear, simply repeat back a few of the words you do understand. It’s often less important to understand exact words spoken than it is to create comfort in conversation. Talk about their area of interest and expertise, using familiar words and favorite old stories to make it easier for them to engage in conversation.

· Gestures, props, or enlarged photos can spark conversation as long as no quizzing is included. Try, “Hey Dad, I found this picture of you and Grandpa after a day of hunting—you both look happy!”

· Music is powerful—download favorite songs to share or sing together.

· If faith or literature matters to your loved one, read scripture or poetry or pray together.

· If your loved one will be at a group gathering, designate one person to stay in a “we-relationship”—maintaining eye contact and belonging. Offer gentle, inclusive narrative: “We’re all sitting down for dessert,” or “We can watch the kids play.”

· Always leave on a positive note. Feelings linger even when facts are not recalled.

· If your loved one is already content or engaged with someone else, consider “evaporating” quietly rather than interrupting to say goodbye. Sometimes fading in and out with grace spares them from feelings of unnecessary sadness without the facts to know why.

Our time together may never feel like enough, but if we’ve shared a moment of joy, contentment, and connection, we’ve made life better—for them and for us. As our Dementia Together pocket cards remind:

“Even if I don’t recognize your name or your face, I will always recognize beauty, kindness, and love.”

To be the giver of beauty, kindness, and love—what greater privilege could there be? Even when facts aren’t recalled, moments are significant.

Written by Cyndy Hunt Luzinski, MS, RN, SPECAL® Master Practitioner Founder and Executive Director, Dementia Together